i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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