There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
