I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The Olympian is in my bed
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