I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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