i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
