Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
