Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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