no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
