Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
