I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
