Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
