Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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