I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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