Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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