watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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