Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize