i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
