did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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