My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
