I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
