i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
