So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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