And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
