They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
