when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
