something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
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On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.