Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.