bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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