when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
