i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
