I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
