I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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