dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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