i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
