The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
