..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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