you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
