Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
