Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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