the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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