Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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