I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
