I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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