come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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