but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
