if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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