first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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