in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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