This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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