when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
