That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
