i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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