I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
