I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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