i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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