my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
