mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
