I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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