Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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